Editorial exercise ยท fictional scene

What survives the cut.

Writers and editors can follow four passes as they remove explanation and repetition from a scene in which a father misses the train carrying his daughter, then move the camera closer.

All five versions remain here. You can check every word count.

7929 words

The editing desk

Choose a pass and watch what leaves.

Once the controls have focus, use the left and right arrow keys.

1 / 5Draft

See everything asking for attention

At 18:42, amid the rush of the evening commute, Adrian reached platform four just as the train doors closed with an irreversible finality. He stood motionless, breathless, overwhelmed by a painful mixture of regret, disappointment and disbelief. Through the glass, his six-year-old daughter raised the red paper crown she had made for him. Then, with a sadness far beyond her years, she pointed towards the empty seat beside her. The birthday cake on it moved away with the train.

NoteThe feeling receives several names and the image arrives last. The first pass keeps what the reader can see.

WORD COUNT79 words

Anatomy of the revision

Each pass removes a different obstruction.

  1. 1

    Let gesture carry emotion.

    Regret, disappointment and disbelief compete for the same beat. A closed door and a man left on the platform give the reader evidence.

  2. 2

    Trust the verb.

    Doors close. Adding irreversible finality says the same thing again and weakens the action.

  3. 3

    Move to the glass.

    The platform and the commuters establish a city. This story happens in the few inches between a father and the window.

  4. 4

    Put the motion inside the object.

    The cake that moved away becomes a cake that leans. Motion and loss now occupy the same image.

After the final pass

The empty seat carries the rest.

At 18:42, the doors closed. Through the glass, his daughter lifted a red paper crown. On the empty seat beside her, the birthday cake leaned with the departing train.

The empty seat carries the regret. You notice who should have filled it before the page can explain.